Updates

Wow, it seems like a long time has passed since I last wrote.

My Mom gave me a wonderful book, Baby, We Were Meant for Each Other: In Praise of Adoption by Scott Simon.  It is Simon's account of how he and his wife adopted two girls from China.  It includes stories from other adoptive parents and children as well.

We met with the caseworker from our Colorado agency to do the homestudy update.  That's all done and we're waiting for our criminal background clearance to take place before that's all accepted.

We're dealing with a lot of looming paperwork.  That's been difficult.  I'm of the personality that I have a goal and I just want it all done.  Having something hanging over my head is difficult.  But, we're slowly but surely getting it done.

This past weekend Mike and I went to a weekend intensive workshop at the California agency.  It was good to spend some time with my family during our trip.

The first day of the workshop was difficult.  Mike had flown into San Diego the night before and neither one of us slept well.  We then got up early and headed out from my parents' house to go to the agency in LA.  It was a long day and we addressed many things that we'd already dealt with doing our foster parent training.

The second day of the workshop was so much better!  We had a same sex couple who just adopted a baby girl who was ten weeks old come and speak to us about their experience.  Then there was a woman who is a birthmother who placed her child for adoption about 8 years ago.  It was really nice to hear stories from both perspectives.

We were given by the California agency two books to read.  One is Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff.  I finished reading it this morning.  It is about a caucasian, Jewish couple who adopted an African-Mexican-American baby boy.  It was a wonderful book that I highly recommend.  There are comments from readers who are adoptive parents, biological parents, birthparents, and psychologists.  I think it was raw, honest, and supportive of adoption without dismissing the challenges faced by adoption or transracial adoption.  The second book that we were given to read is Children of Open Adoption by Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez Dorner.  I will start reading that perhaps tomorrow.

This has been a difficult time.  I am feeling overwhelmed.  I went from not working at all to beginning a Masters of Music Education program through Boston University online, giving private voice and piano lessons, teaching those at a music lesson studio, involved in two choirs, teaching a vocal workshop, filling out adoption paperwork, and of course housework (which I'm never good at letting go).  I've come to the conclusion though that I'm glad that I'm really busy rather than having a lot of time on my hands.  I think I'd go crazy with the anticipation and anxiety of waiting for a child if I didn't have things to keep me busy.

It's tough too seeing so many family and friends expecting babies.  I'm so happy for them and do not want to deprive them of this amazing, incredible, and joyful time and experience. Yet when you are experiencing infertility and so desperately want to be a mother, it's difficult to see.  When we were doing our foster parent training, we took a newborn care class at the hospital.  It was so difficult to be in that room filled with women 8 or 9 months pregnant and think of all the things we'll miss out on by not having a child through natural means: pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding, etc.

The next step is to finish that lingering paperwork.  I went into the doctor yesterday to have her fill out the medical evaluation I needed.  Mike and I are going to work on our dear birthparent letter this weekend as I've heard it can take a few months going back and forth with revisions.  I'm starting to collect pictures of us as a couple, with family and friends, and with children (especially our awesome nieces and nephew).  If any of you have any pictures like that that you think I might not have copies of, please feel free to e-mail them to me.

I'm including in this post two pictures.  One is of my family during this last weekend.  The other is of me and Mike with two of our nieces.  These will definitely go in our profile.

L - R: Riley Jayne Myers, Mike Vredevoogd, Hope Myers, Kristin Vredevoogd

L - R: Mike Vredevoogd, Kristin Vredevoogd, Janet Megill, David Megill, Hope Myers, Holly Myers, John Myers, and Riley Jayne Myers

Home Study and Trip to CA

Yay!  We've trudged on through a lot of the paperwork we need for the CO agency and written a few checks.  Saturday the social worker is coming over for our home visit and to begin the update to our home study.

We have our trip to CA for the intensive weekend with the out of state agency scheduled.

I feel like we're making progress.  Slowly, but still making progress.

So Glad I'm Not Working Full Time

Well, today I took a huge envelope to the post office to mail to the Colorado agency.  It's taken a few weeks, hasn't it?  It turns out that I was e-mailed probably every form there could ever exist to fill out.  No wonder I was feeling overwhelmed.  Mike sat down with me and took stock of what we had and what we had to do.  It turns out that we had more of the paperwork done than they initially need, so that's great.

Yesterday we figured that Mike and I would go to the sheriff's office to get our fingerprints taken.  We get there and are going through the security and are told they are only open for fingerprints from 11 a.m. - 4 p.m.  I went and did my grocery shopping and Mike went to work.  I then went later in the day and Mike caught the bus from work and got there just before they closed.

I'm so glad I don't work full time.  How can one do this with a regular work day?  It is time consuming and overwhelming.  But, I know that all the emotional roller coaster, financial cost, and time will be well worth it in the end when we have our beautiful baby.

Paperwork

And so the endless paperwork begins.  Our printer's getting a workout printing out many, many, many forms we need to fill out, have signed, etc. for the Colorado agency.  I'm glad I'm not working full time.  This is a process that requires a lot of time with phone calls, e-mails, and paperwork.

Visible Steps of Progress

The preliminary application and payment have been sent in to the Colorado agency.  They're sending us the next paperwork.  We're getting the next set of paperwork from the out of state agency to register for the intensive weekend where they'll help us with the Dear Birthparents letter and our online profile for parents to view.  Our caseworker with Boulder County who did our homestudy before fostering Little D is going to forward it to both agencies.

I finally feel like we've have some visible progress being made.  I'm so glad that I'm busy.  I'm on the sub list at two Montessori schools, am giving piano and voice lessons both at the music studio and at home, am teaching a vocal workshop with elementary children, and am taking violin lessons.  I'm also doing some composing.  To top it all off, I'm waiting to hear if I've been accepted into an online Masters in Music Education program.  If I wasn't busy, I think I'd go insane with the waiting that we're going to have to do.  We've been told that the process will take around a year. 

The Next Step

Today Mike and I had a phone conference with a woman at the agency in California.  It's one larger agency with locations in California, Texas, Georgia, and more states.  The reason we've thought to go with them is that they work in highly populated states, hopefully increasing the potential birthparents to choose us as adoptive parents.  The next step with them is to go out to one of their locations for an intensive weekend of training, information, etc.  It will help us learn about writing our birthparent letter, making our online profile, and more.  We're thinking of going to the LA location and maybe fit in a visit with my family at the same time.  We're thinking of trying to make the weekend in November that they are hosting.

While working on scheduling that, this weekend we're getting our preliminary application ready to send in to the Colorado agency.  We're going to have our Boulder county forwarded to them.

It's all overwhelming.  Yet, I feel like we're getting our minds wrapped around the complex process and making visible progress.  Mike and I feel comfortable with the direction we're taking.  Baby steps, baby steps.  This is a process with many stages of pushing and waiting.  It's a roller coaster process, but I am confident that it will result in us creating a family and beginning the scary and joyful adventure of parenthood.

Progress!

Found out yesterday that the Colorado agency will accept our home-study and possibly the training through Boulder County.  This means that we will have to pay about half the cost and do an "update" rather than a whole new home study.  And, we might not have to go through the Education and pay that fee because we did the training for the foster, fost-adopt program before caring for Little D.

The next step is to fill out the preliminary application with the Colorado agency and pay that fee.

We have a conference call with the agency in California.  They will be our placement agency, circulating our profile book and matching us with birthparents. 

This process is definitely going to be a test of my patience.  I am of the personality type who when I have a goal or direction, I want to be there now.  I want it settled right away.  I want to already be where I envision.  Mike has wonderfully reminded me many times that there will always be a next phase in life.  There will always be something more to accomplish, something more to attain.  Remember to enjoy the process and be happy with where you are.

So much of this  process is going to involve waiting on other things or other people.  I have to work on letting go.  I have to become more comfortable with knowing there are parts of this process that is out of our control.

Lawyers Redeemed

After yesterday's frustration with the rude lawyer, another lawyer called me today to return my phone call.  He was very nice.  He told me, "That's a good question.  Unfortunately I don't know the answer to that.  Let me give you the number of a someone who might."  OK, so my question didn't get answered.  Atleast the guy was honest and listened.  Yay!

ARG!

OK, so I have a gripe!  We found out that the placement adoption agency that works out of state will accept our Boulder county home study we used for the foster care system.  I tried calling the agency here in Colorado to try to see if they will accept it until it expires in a few months and then do an update.  That way we'll only have to spend the money on one home study before we get a baby.  I didn't get an answer at the Colorado agency.

Mike had suggested I call some adoption attorneys here to see if maybe we don't even need the Colorado agency but they can tell us what the process would be and refer us to the right places. 

The lawyer I spoke to was so curt and rude.  "Do you have the baby?  Have you met the baby?  Is this baby perhaps from India?"

"I'm just trying to figure out the system.  Do we need the agency here?  Can you help me with what would be required?"

"You're like 20 steps ahead of where you need to be.  I can't help you."

"Thank you so much for your time," I said quite sarcastically.

ARG!!!!!!  I thoroughly admit that I don't know how it all works.  That's why I'm calling!!!!!!!  I'm trying to figure out the process.  I'm looking for someone to tell me what needs to be done.  Again, this just reminds me of how insecure and uncomfortable I get when encountering a system where I don't know how it works.  It makes me feel so stupid.  I'm hoping that the Colorado agency can give me more answers tomorrow.

Meanwhile I've heard from a friend in CA who's a high school teacher that she has 4 students who are pregnant.  I'LL TAKE ONE!

Hopefully one step closer!

The Beginning

OUR JOURNEY OF ADOPTION

 MIKE AND KRISTIN VREDEVOOGD

Mike and Kristin Vredevoogd

 (on our honeymoon, August 2005)

After being married five years, Mike and I are looking to create a family through the process of adoption.  What an exciting and scary adventure.  This blog is a sharing of our experience and our journey to creating our family.

After fostering a baby boy, Little D. for four months, we were devastated to lose him when he was reunited with his father.  We agreed that the foster system is wonderful, with the best of intentions.  It works well for people who are looking to do a good thing by loving and caring for children on a temporary basis.  We feel blessed that we were able to do that for Little D.  You can't help but get attached and love that child, to be badly hurt when they leave you.  Mike and I agreed that despite the positives of the foster care system, it is not the path for us, a couple who want to create a family and have a child of our own, making us his/her forever family.

In my adoption reading, really the first step is looking into agencies.  All the books tell you to trust your gut instincts.  Two weeks ago we met with three different adoption agencies.  I expected to go into these meetings with a clear-cut, straight-forward, instant feeling of which way to go.  I immediately felt overwhelmed by all the different ways we can go: domestic, international, newborn, waiting child, etc.  I am someone who feels very uncomfortable not knowing how a process works.  When I encounter that, I feel insecure and stupid.

After a busy couple of weeks and some time to digest all of the different options and information we've received, Mike and I today decided upon which agency we think we want to go with.  We're wanting to do domestic infant adoption, but opening ourselves up to using two different agencies to do an adoption possibly out of state.  We will use one agency here in Colorado to do the home study, post-placement visits, etc.  We will then use another agency that works in a number of other states to open ourselves up to the potential of more birth-parents.  We do have questions to ask and more information to obtain this week before proceeding, but we feel good about the journey we're beginning.

I feel grateful and blessed to know the love and support of our family and friends.  We've decided to swallow our pride and accept financial help from my parents.  It's difficult to wrap my head and heart around the fact that there are people having children in the wrong phase of life; they're too young or do not have the means to care for a child.  Yet, I've always known that I want to be a mother and have had to grapple with the fact that I'm unable to have a child of my own through natural means.  Yet, here we have to go through this incredible emotional roller coaster and very big expense in order to become parents.